In fact, I can't imagine that many people have managed to get through an entire day without visualising a canine with a crumpet, and so, for science, justice and most of all, for you, approximately a year ago, Will and I made this dream a lovely, moist reality. The photographic evidence has only just come to light, after time in military compounds across the country, so I now present:
Step one: Find a dog with an impressive lump.
It doesn't really matter what the lump is - it could be tumour, a deposit of bone or, heck, it could even just be a lump of good ol' fashioned fat. For best results, though, we suggest using a fatty lymphoma tumour, for genuine 'jiggle effect'. However, if you are going to use a dog with a tumour, it might be an idea to be sure that it is benign - after all, you may want to recycle your work, and that's not as fun on a dead dog!
For our subject, we're going to use Will's dog, Bess.
Step two: Procure nipple-making material.
What could be better for making a fake nipple than fake skin? We'll be demonstrating with Smiffy's finest.
Step three: Make the nipple.
As learned types, Will and I recalled the line from Genesis which concerned such delicate sculpture:
"14. And Lo, God did fashion the nipples of both Adam and Eve using a spoon of the finest Steel.
15. And God did then give the spoon to Adam, and he said to Adam,
16. "Take this spoon and use it for making tea, and also fake nipples.""
I'll concede that it doesn't look overly nippular at the moment, but that is because we have not yet hit...
Step four: Paint the nipple.
We chose to paint our nipple like a white person's, but you can paint it any colour you like: red, black, blue, etc. It really depends on whether you are aiming to be aroused or amused by the exercise.
Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of this step, since we were both required to get our fingers sticky, so to speak.
Step five: Shave the lump.
We recommend using an electric razor rather than a cut-throat type, since this is meant for cosmetic fun, rather than actual surgery.
Your dog shouldn't find any discomfort in this, and if it does, stop. However, if your canine friend is naturally a wanderer, try bribing it to stay in one place. We used ham, but try experimenting with different treats: it's half the fun!
Cheer up, Bess! Imagine how all the male dogfolk will respect you more as a person!
Step six: Affix the nipple
If, like us, you're using fake skin, this shouldn't be too hard, as it's as sticky as a priest's bedclothes. The hardest part will be maintaining the integrity of the nipple, so be gentle! If you're using a fake nipple made of paper or some such, be sure to use an adhesive that is non-harmful to dogs (or at least, less harmful than a massive bastard tumour).
Step seven: Revel in your breasty efforts!
Step eight: Relax in the knowledge of a job well done, and cross one more item off your list of things to do before you die.
Congratulations! You're now one of a particularly sexy elite!
Bess was not harmed in making this. Her lump is non-painful, and we certainly wouldn't do anything to cause her anguish, since we love that dog, we do. The reason she has such a large lump is because surgery would be too dangerous at her age, and the lump certainly doesn't appear to cause her any distress. We don't condone injuring or upsetting animals of any type (except chavs and wasps), and we would have stopped at the first sign of discomfort. We're just making the best of a bad situation: when life gives you lemons, make a dog with a breast on the side.